Don’t dare wish to tame us

Just the other day, I was speaking to a well-meaning friend of mine about the #MeToo movement. He told me that this movement has literally terrorised the men around him. He believes that, hereafter, approaching a woman one genuinely likes and wants to pursue, will require a sheer amount of courage on the man’s part. I tried clearing his notions about the movement, telling him that it is only confined to sexual harassment and misconduct in the workplace, and has nothing to do with relationships gone awry. It isn’t about relationships, anyway. He did not seem to be totally convinced. In his defense, he said that he knows about the movement, and is aware that it only represents a scanty section of perverted men. But the repercussions of this upheaval, is the larger damage done on men who sincerely respect, support, and protect the women around them.  

We had a heady discussion on this, and he somehow started making sense to me. But I told him a few things that don’t go down well with me. They are not sexual in nature, but abhorrent for sure.

No, I do not have a #MeToo story to share. In fact, I have a different standpoint altogether. I have worked with two leading English news channels in India for close to a decade, and I must admit that I was plain lucky in this aspect. I never encountered any harassment of sexual nature, whatsoever. The male video journalists, with whom I stayed in some godforsaken parts of the country, covering human interest stories, did not ever make me feel unsafe in any manner. I never had to guard myself for the many all-night shifts with the male video editors that I ever did sitting alone in the office. I always felt I was in a protected environment.  

However, there are still a few things I find a bit odd to handle. And some men do them all the time, considering them to be a harmless act of friendliness. To such men - here’s what I have got to tell you. Yes, it’s time you learn it from us, because we feel you have stayed ignorant for far too long.

Number 1: Look in the eyes while speaking

This is quite rampant within and outside the workspaces. As women, we embrace our curves, and like wearing well-fitted outfits. But that should not call for any unwarranted stares from you. And most importantly, when you are in a conversation with a woman face to face, don’t drop those eyes of yours onto her breasts. That’s a deviant conduct. Some women are strong enough to confront you right then, while others end up adjusting their stoles or placing their side bags well to avoid those unpleasant stares. In either case, don’t turn it into an embarrassing moment for us.

Number 2: We all have an official name

I remember, there was a certain male boss, who wouldn’t call the female colleagues by their names, but as ‘ladki’. This, he would do on the pretext of not remembering the names well. I always found this debasing. Every time, he would call me ‘ladki’ – I would politely remind him of my name. Not that he remembered it the next time, but I showed my displeasure every single time. We all have an official name. Please stick to our names to call us. Also, if you are not an absolute close friend, refrain from calling us ‘sexy’, ‘hot’, ‘sweet’, ‘babes’, and the likes. This is strictly no.  

Number 3: Keep a certain distance

I tell you about an incident. This one time I was traveling back to Delhi from a shoot. I was traveling with a male colleague. It was a cold November evening. I told him that despite wearing a layer of woolen, I was still feeling cold and that my hands were freezing. All of a sudden, this fellow took my hands in his and just would not let go of my hand. He started rubbing my hands – telling me that he was making them warm. The moment I realised what was happening, I dragged my hand, in exactly 10 odd seconds. It wasn’t anything serious, but he got the drift. Or so I guessed.

Don’t invade our personal space. Don’t touch our arms, put your hands around our waist, or ruffle our hair. You might think it is friendly enough to do so. It is not.

Number 4: No sexual innuendos

This is a strict no-no in workplaces, especially if you are not professionally or personally friends with the person. I fail to understand how sometimes every single line in a conversation is peppered with double-meaning jargon. Understand that there is a place and audience for such wordplay. Reserve it for, and with the right set of people.

Number 5: No dirty dancing

Picture this - I am in a nightclub. I am wearing a short dress. I have my glass of drink in hand. Or in my case, I may not have one. I am there with a close friend, who could be a male or female. And I am literally burning up the dance floor. Now, this scene could be from an official party also. Does this liberated state of mine invite you to come over to me, touch me inappropriately, and dance close? Absolutely, no!  

Unless you are a friend we trust or are happy to shake a leg with, please stay away from us.

Number 6: Don’t shout and silence us

This one time, I was shooting somewhere on the outskirts of Haryana. We had been shooting in the scorching sun since 10 in the morning. It was two in the afternoon now. My male video journalist wanted to break for lunch. It was more than justified that he did so - only if there were eating joints nearby. There were none. A break at that time would have meant to travel another an hour into the city to have food and then travel back to finish the shoot. Not to mention, we had only one day to complete the shoot. So, I told my colleague that we could finish the rest of the shoot, which was not much, and then wrap up at 4 pm and have lunch somewhere on our way back. He not only did not like my plan but literally shouted at me in front of the interviewee. I kept my cool and told him politely not to shout. I understood his anguish and I was equally starving at that time. But shouting is downright demeaning and completely uncalled for. He created a scene and told me that he wouldn’t shoot without eating. I did not speak to him on that ride back. When I reached the office, I narrated the entire incident to my reporting manager. She immediately took it up with the head of the camera section. And within a couple of hours, the camera person was made to apologise. To date, I am friendly with this person and I have seen a radical improvement in his behaviour since the incident. This also goes to show that there should be more women in powerful positions. I don’t know how this episode would have shaped up, had my reporting manager not been a female and considerate enough.

Take yet another incident. This time I was studying at a reputed college. For a class assignment, I was supposed to direct a shoot, wherein I had three classmates assisting me – all men. I did the division of work and told them their respective responsibilities. I asked one of them to get a few production items from the market. When I went up to him to collect the items and remind him of his next lineup of duties, this man - who is 10 years older than me, started shouting at the top of his voice, asking me to stop dictating things to him. He was extremely rude and kept saying that this project was not his, since he wasn't the one directing it. I kept my patience all this while and told him to calm down. But I also did tell him to leave the project, if he was not willing to work on it. He eventually did leave the project. But I still had the heart to put his name in the end credits. What was rather shocking was that there were two other young men in the room. Neither of them had the nerve to tell this man to stop shouting and behave well. I had tears in my eyes as I left the room that day. I did not tell it to anyone. Not even to my roommates. This time around, I did not take it up to the authorities. Being the person that I am, I should have spoken about it, but I could not do so. I neither had the time nor the energy to waste on this issue. There was only one day left for the shoot and there were 11 characters I had to deal with. I was literally running pillar to post to fix everything – with hardly four hours of sleep. Anyway, I was thereafter labeled as ‘bossy’. I wasn’t too unhappy with the tag though!  

What I have understood over the years is that some men, actually very few of them - find it extremely difficult to take orders from women half their age on the professional front. I guess it sort of hurts their big, fat male ego. But you see, you never will be able to do away with us completely. So, it is time you brace the change in the power equation and buckle up!   

Number 7: No overt chivalry

We respect chivalrous men. We really do. But if you do get a clear indication that we are not liking the persuasion anymore, then don’t overdo it. Not every woman is happy to be the recipient of male chivalry. So seek out permission from her before wrapping her around with your jumbo jacket for the intended warmth or urging her to crash in at your apartment after the party, when she evidently does not want to do so. Good manners are all very fine, but if a woman asserts her disapproval over something, it does not remain too gracious anymore to continue insisting on her.

You may or may not approve of all the points mentioned, but there is no denying that they do make a woman uncomfortable, to say the least.

I have always judged the men around me in the professional field. And yes, being judgmental isn’t that bad a thing, after all! I have judged their every move and stopped them right in the first go when something appeared odd to me. If I think a particular person is creepy, then most likely that he or she is, in the real world. I am also of the opinion that every cloud has a silver lining, if only crossing the boundary is not carelessly termed as ‘healthy flirting’.