Just
the other day, I was speaking to a well-meaning friend of mine about the #MeToo
movement. He told me that this movement has literally terrorised the men around
him. He believes that, hereafter, approaching a woman one genuinely likes and
wants to pursue, will require a sheer amount of courage on the man’s part. I
tried clearing his notions about the movement, telling him that it is only
confined to sexual harassment and misconduct in the workplace, and has nothing
to do with relationships gone awry. It isn’t about relationships, anyway. He
did not seem to be totally convinced. In his defense, he said that he knows
about the movement, and is aware that it only represents a scanty section of
perverted men. But the repercussions of this upheaval, is the larger damage done
on men who sincerely respect, support, and protect the women around them.
We
had a heady discussion on this, and he somehow started making sense to me. But I told him a few things that
don’t go down well with me. They are not sexual in nature, but abhorrent for
sure.
No,
I do not have a #MeToo story to share. In fact, I have a different standpoint
altogether. I have worked with two leading English news channels in India for
close to a decade, and I must admit that I was plain lucky in this aspect. I never
encountered any harassment of sexual nature, whatsoever. The male video
journalists, with whom I stayed in some godforsaken parts of the country,
covering human interest stories, did not ever make me feel unsafe in any
manner. I never had to guard myself for the many all-night shifts with the male
video editors that I ever did sitting alone in the office. I always felt I was in a
protected environment.
However,
there are still a few things I find a bit odd to handle. And some men do them all
the time, considering them to be a harmless act of friendliness. To such men -
here’s what I have got to tell you. Yes, it’s time you learn it from us,
because we feel you have stayed ignorant for far too long.
Number 1: Look in the eyes while
speaking
This
is quite rampant within and outside the workspaces. As women, we embrace our
curves, and like wearing well-fitted outfits. But that should not call for any
unwarranted stares from you. And most importantly, when you are in a
conversation with a woman face to face, don’t drop those eyes of yours onto her
breasts. That’s a deviant conduct. Some women are strong enough to confront you
right then, while others end up adjusting their stoles or placing their side bags
well to avoid those unpleasant stares. In either case, don’t turn it into an
embarrassing moment for us.
Number 2: We all have an official
name
I
remember, there was a certain male boss, who wouldn’t call the female
colleagues by their names, but as ‘ladki’.
This, he would do on the pretext of not remembering the names well. I always
found this debasing. Every time, he would call me ‘ladki’ – I would politely remind him of my name. Not that he
remembered it the next time, but I showed my displeasure every single time. We
all have an official name. Please stick to our names to call us. Also, if you
are not an absolute close friend, refrain from calling us ‘sexy’, ‘hot’,
‘sweet’, ‘babes’, and the likes. This is strictly no.
Number 3: Keep a certain distance
I
tell you about an incident. This one time I was traveling back to Delhi from a shoot.
I was traveling with a male colleague. It was a cold November evening. I
told him that despite wearing a layer of woolen, I was still feeling cold and
that my hands were freezing. All of a sudden, this fellow took my hands in his
and just would not let go of my hand. He started rubbing my hands – telling me
that he was making them warm. The moment I realised what was happening, I
dragged my hand, in exactly 10 odd seconds. It wasn’t anything serious, but he got the drift. Or so I
guessed.
Don’t
invade our personal space. Don’t touch our arms, put your hands around our
waist, or ruffle our hair. You might think it is friendly enough to do so. It
is not.
Number 4: No sexual innuendos
This
is a strict no-no in workplaces, especially if you are not professionally or personally
friends with the person. I fail to understand how sometimes every single line
in a conversation is peppered with double-meaning jargon. Understand that there
is a place and audience for such wordplay. Reserve it for, and with the right set of people.
Number 5: No dirty dancing
Picture
this - I am in a nightclub. I am wearing a short dress. I have my glass of
drink in hand. Or in my case, I may not have one. I am there with a close
friend, who could be a male or female. And I am literally burning up the dance
floor. Now, this scene could be from an official party also. Does this
liberated state of mine invite you to come over to me, touch me inappropriately, and dance close? Absolutely, no!
Unless
you are a friend we trust or are happy to shake a leg with, please stay away
from us.
Number 6: Don’t shout and silence
us
This
one time, I was shooting somewhere on the outskirts of Haryana. We had been
shooting in the scorching sun since 10 in the morning. It was two in the
afternoon now. My male video journalist wanted to break for lunch. It was more
than justified that he did so - only if there were eating joints nearby. There
were none. A break at that time would have meant to travel another an hour
into the city to have food and then travel back to finish the shoot. Not to
mention, we had only one day to complete the shoot. So, I told my colleague
that we could finish the rest of the shoot, which was not much, and then wrap up
at 4 pm and have lunch somewhere on our way back. He not only did not like my
plan but literally shouted at me in front of the interviewee. I kept my cool and
told him politely not to shout. I understood his anguish and I was
equally starving at that time. But shouting is downright demeaning and
completely uncalled for. He created a scene and told me that he wouldn’t shoot
without eating. I did not speak to him on that ride back. When I reached the office,
I narrated the entire incident to my reporting manager. She immediately took it
up with the head of the camera section. And within a couple of hours, the camera
person was made to apologise. To date, I am friendly with this person and I
have seen a radical improvement in his behaviour since the incident. This also
goes to show that there should be more women in powerful positions. I don’t
know how this episode would have shaped up, had my reporting manager not been a
female and considerate enough.
Take
yet another incident. This time I was studying at a reputed college. For a
class assignment, I was supposed to direct a shoot, wherein I had three
classmates assisting me – all men. I did the division of work and told them
their respective responsibilities. I asked one of them to get a few production
items from the market. When I went up to him to collect the items and remind
him of his next lineup of duties, this man - who is 10 years older than me,
started shouting at the top of his voice, asking me to stop dictating things to him. He
was extremely rude and kept saying that this project was not his, since he wasn't the
one directing it. I kept my patience all this while and told him to calm down.
But I also did tell him to leave the project, if he was not willing to
work on it. He eventually did leave the project. But I still had the heart to
put his name in the end credits. What was rather shocking was that there were
two other young men in the room. Neither of them had the nerve to tell this man
to stop shouting and behave well. I had tears in my eyes as I left the room
that day. I did not tell it to anyone. Not even to my roommates. This time
around, I did not take it up to the authorities. Being the person that I am, I
should have spoken about it, but I could not do so. I neither had the time nor
the energy to waste on this issue. There was only one day left for the shoot
and there were 11 characters I had to deal with. I was literally running pillar
to post to fix everything – with hardly four hours of sleep. Anyway, I was
thereafter labeled as ‘bossy’. I wasn’t too unhappy with the tag
though!
What
I have understood over the years is that some men, actually very few of them - find
it extremely difficult to take orders from women half their age on the
professional front. I guess it sort of hurts their big, fat male ego. But you
see, you never will be able to do away with us completely. So, it is time you
brace the change in the power equation and buckle up!
Number 7: No overt chivalry
We
respect chivalrous men. We really do. But if you do get a clear
indication that we are not liking the persuasion anymore, then don’t overdo it.
Not every woman is happy to be the recipient of male chivalry. So seek out permission
from her before wrapping her around with your jumbo jacket for the intended warmth or
urging her to crash in at your apartment after the party, when she evidently does
not want to do so. Good manners are all very fine, but if a woman asserts her
disapproval over something, it does not remain too gracious anymore to
continue insisting on her.
You
may or may not approve of all the points mentioned, but there is no denying
that they do make a woman uncomfortable, to say the least.
I
have always judged the men around me in the professional field. And yes, being
judgmental isn’t that bad a thing, after all! I have judged their every move
and stopped them right in the first go when something appeared odd to me. If I think a particular person is creepy, then most
likely that he or she is, in the real world. I am also of the opinion that every
cloud has a silver lining, if only crossing the boundary is not carelessly
termed as ‘healthy flirting’.
