The November Rain

So firm was the handshake 

That it held a million promises

Much like the softness of that cold November morning  

Some soft, some firm

And the tale grew a little long

You wrote and I sang along - 'The November Song'

I believed in what you wrote

So did the thrust in my throat

Knowing your words had no meaning, no depth

I still kept singing along

I wondered when the skies wept

I wondered when the roads were wet 

I wondered what still sketched the rainbow up there!

Did you also wonder sometimes, somewhat?

The mystery of rains and the bow of colours

So fascinating it is, that it draws a vibrant bond

Unknowingly we both sing along – 'The November Song'

I, in my world. You, in your world.

And, the universal chorus in our world!

Wanted: A spermy IITian

After multiple pleading sessions, the not-so-genteel, but attractive Vicky goes inside the clinic to exactly do what he is required to do. But he couldn’t and so with a frustrated look he brings back the empty plastic jar to Dr. Chaddha. As it is, an infertility specialist played by the aging, but a supremely talented actor Annu Kapoor knew all the right tricks. So, the hero Ayushmann Khurrana aka Vicky is sent back in but this time with a stack of porn magazines and CDs/DVDs… some stimulation soon after; he returns with a dimpled smile and gives Chaddhaji a bit of his gush in the container. Thus, Vicky Arora becomes Vicky Donor and starts wanking for a living!

A film based on the subject of sperm donation could easily go misplaced and be looked down upon, but not when it has been guardedly written and handled. There are no infused cheap humours and no over-the-top nitty-gritty of the science of artificial insemination. In fact, a sensitive issue like this, is crafted into a story that's a complete entertainer and pure fun - making John Abraham’s maiden production project a sure-shot success!

Dr. Chaddha chases Vicky Arora, with a belief that this unemployed and young bloke can resurrect his clinic, because according to his research, Vicky’s great-grandfather had 19 children, and this is a reason enough for him to be a potent donor! In one of the many persuasion talks that Chaddhaji has with Vicky, he comes with this uproarious line ~ ‘Shakal dekhke bande ka sperm pechhan jata hun… Tu pure Aryan race hai… Arya putra hai b********’  So, the Arya putra thinks not to further waste his precious stream and time in searching for a suitable job, rather gets literally cracking on this, all in the lure of handsome money! 

And that was it. Vicky gets into the role and earns enough to live up to his heart’s desires. With that of course, he sires 53 kids. Life’s good for both until the donor falls in love and wants to marry a Bengali girl played by the debutant Yami Gautam. Now that is a reason to worry for Chaddhaji since the clinic was running almost on Vicky’s sperm! It might mean the downfall of the business all over again till they find another super donor like Vicky.

So, is it a new phenomenon in India? Not as per Chaddhaji…since, he cites instances from Mahabharata and makes Vicky fall into his idea.

But, much before the film released we had woken up to an advertisement posted by a Chennai couple on a website this January. Say, it created the right base ground for Vicky Donor. Maybe, yes. Or let’s believe that we trust the concept of the film even more now. Here goes the Ad before we inch a bit further -

My wife and I are looking for a suitable sperm donor for fresh In Vitro procedure very soon! Ideal candidate should be IIT student, healthy, no bad habits, tall and fair if possible but will consider the right donor regardless of looks etc. Time is of the essence, so please call asap. Compensation twenty thousand Rupees cash. Call or email ASAP. Authentic ad, we need donor within two weeks most likely. Please help us start a family filled with love and prosperity. References will be required and checked.   

Basically, an industry does exist. It might have never been spoken about in social circles that bluntly, but thousands of childless couples around us do go for the artificial method while camouflaging the whole affair. That is why even the operations of such institutes are beyond our reach and belief. The big labs do have a name but what about a host of clinics that are located in dirty bylanes of cities (like Chaddhaji’s sperm bank in the heaving Daryaganj) that are genuinely trying to bring a smile on faces of such couples. They not only search for a feasible donor but also strive hard to meet the demands of their clients… like - getting customised children with brains of IITians and then traces of Brat Pitt, Dhoni, Aishwarya, Lady Gaga, and so on. But the chances are ripe that we will not acknowledge these infertility clinics and might just term them as shady corners. Because, neither do we understand the science of such a method nor are we willing to look for an option outside adoption. And that’s a fact. 

So, when a film on such a taboo topic is fittingly made, it clears up many ambiguities and makes people aware of its treatment. Thankfully, Vicky Donor is not one of those preachy sorts that are usually turned up as issue-based. So, while you enjoy the fun side of the film, the matter grows well in the mind and hits you hard! Though it is yet to be surveyed to believe if every ejaculation fetches thousands and thousands of money making any Vicky Dicky Ricky of the street an affluent lad… from affording a big car to renovating an entire house all by the blessing of the flowing!

It’s clearly an audacious effort to make people responsive towards the option of sperm donation and it’s so sensitively written and dealt with that it never loses its luster. The Bong-Punjabi tussle rooting to the culture discrepancies is outrageously hilarious. All the characters are well sketched - the camaraderie between Vicky’s mother and the mother-in-law is so lovely and engaging.,

Juhi Chaturvedi - an Ad filmmaker, who entered Bollywood, writing this sharp, crisp, and effective story for Vicky Donor, could just be the next big thing in the writing world. As for me, I loved Shoojit Sircar’s first project – 'Yahaan' and I am totally in love with Vicky Donor too!

                        (Image : Juhi Chaturvedi and Shoojit Sarcar)

And, my moment of Vicky Donor was in the ladies' washroom, where I warily eavesdropped on an old woman (must be in her late 60s) explaining to a fine-looking young lady why it is not at all a big deal planning a baby through this method. Makers of Vicky Donor… are you listening?

Well, all I can is - Vicky Donor is a brilliant sperm of a movie! Might be heady enough to make beautiful progenies of the same genre!    

   

My letter to the insaaf called 'Rakhi Sawant'

Dear Rakhi,

How are you doing?

Last week again dragged you into a controversy that I know you didn't want to be a part of. You so wanted all your judgments to go down well but this time it definitely didn't, and the result was for everyone to see. Anyway, Rakhi, I shall reserve my views on this for the latter part of my letter. But first I must tell you how much I have been a fan of yours ever since your 'Pardesia yeh sach hai piya' that DJ Aqueel's remixed video (where you became a saucy nurse!) became a hit. And then, there was Mika's kiss fiasco, which made you even a better hit on the celluloid. Thereafter, there was no looking back for you. You - the Rakhi Sawant was made.

You are a very interesting person, Rakhi. Your so very outspoken but pointless attitude is completely fascinating. I often wonder how well you manage to say the most inane stuff in a manner that would put anybody in the hall of shame. But you are simply superb.

The other day, I was struck by how brilliantly you shoved off all the current affairs questions that were thrown upon you by a leading Hindi news channel.

I mean, frankly Rakhi, I fail to understand, why would they ask you anything that has a distant connection or say, no inclination in you... yes, I empathise with you wholly.

You astounded me when you took one of the most beautiful moments of one's life right on the idiot set and made it an element of entertainment for the public to love, laugh, and hate. You decided to get married LIVE on TV and choose your husband from a flock of participants who would go all in Rakhi Sawant's tune to get your heart forever.

Did it not come to your mind once that all this is a made-up process and perhaps no one has genuine compassion for you, I mean in the Swayamvar - show? Yes, it did occur to you and therefore, to my sheer faith, you didn't get married on the set.

How expected and boring it would have been, had you married the chosen guy as being laid by the Swayamvar producers... I appreciate your idea of not marrying ON-AIR but just the engagement. And anyway, how can you be known for following the anticipated path. Unpredictable, brash, and blunt - are some of your major constituents and you definitely live up to them.

Life gave you a second reality show with your Fiancé Elesh in Pati Patni aur Woh...also, with an instant infant to handle too. After all the intimacy shown between you and Elesh, you made it an official split. Now, that's the spirit, Rakhi. - do and abandon efficiently.

But lately, I have been a little agitated with you. I obviously didn't want you to host a show (Rakhi Ka Insaaf) where you are required to pass judgments. Why Rakhi? I love your item numbers, your frank and blunt words, your plastic sensuality, and sometimes your naive remarks. But to be a judge is definitely not your forte. Don't you think to judge such social issues; you need to have at least a basic knowledge of the judicial system?

Well, may not be a yardstick for the makers of such shows.

I need not dig deep into your life, but you know, you have been so much in the public eye that every minute detail brings up a whole new story about you.

I have always believed that one should remain secure from within first, and, then try bringing a positive change to the society at large. Don't understand how much of that is true to your life.

Indeed, as they say, one is one's best judge.

Waiting to see you in some nice item song, giving tough competition to the Munnis and Sheilas of your time.

But, do a little justice to us, just don't be a judge again in the name of entertainment.

Yours truly,

AB

P.S.

Rakhi, as you see I know a lot about you and your life and can give you honest personal advice. I would like to recommend you to hire me as your PR Consultant. Believe you me, there can't be a better 'Rakhi Ka Insaaf'.

Published on ibnlive.com

Tuesday , November 23, 2010 

(K)Not in third decade

There are very few occurrences in life where a woman reveals her actual age... one of these is the time when the nuptial bells come ringing!

As one matures, the add-on numbers to the age starts giving many a conspicuous thought...For the last three times I have been celebrating my 22nd birthday, guessing it would play its intended trick. Of course, such guesses don't go the proposed way.

Like most career-oriented girls, I too never pondered on the - right marriageable age.

Little did I know that the thinking part was not just my and my parents' headache but that the seniors of the family and the closest relatives had a very central role to play. And they participate so well that you are bound to make a firm decision. A choice that is well-thought-out and practical. Besides, if you are single and not seeing someone, you better be prompt with your pronouncement.

Something like this happened to me the last to last week. My Pishi (Paternal Aunt) from Singapore, had asked my parents to send her my resume which she would further send to a certain Mr. X's family in the same country - The guy is handsome, earns well, is financially settled, and importantly, is typical a bhalo bangali chele (a good Bengali boy)... When Maani (that's what I call my mother) asked me to at least get my resume updated so that it can be sent... I went all puzzled and had almost lost it.

Now, how on earth am I supposed to write a 'matrimonial resume'?

Personal details can add up as my personal assets, Past experience instead of work experience, strengths and weaknesses can highlight strong and weak points on a different association altogether and my dear friends as Referees - with loads of 'I can cook very well with a handy cook' 'Can give utensils extra shine with a nice dishwasher' 'Good at household chores with a maid around' etc ---- and whoa! My resume was almost ready... just that I never sent it.

'I need five more years and a little clarity of the responsibilities involved' - Is what I communicated to my parents and Pishi, plus the package of relatives. They had many questions to ask me but had only one way out -that I should get married before I hit 30. Period. My parents however told me that they'll be ready whenever I am mentally set for it.

Thankfully, it was nothing but an episode to ponder and I did just that.

Donning my parents' cap I understood that it's perhaps important to get married before one strikes the third decade of one's life - for reasons that I seriously don't want to identify with.

-It is usually difficult for a woman in her 30s to conceive and have a hassle-free childbirth.

Besides, a woman if dearly friends with her husband and in-laws, can lead a more satisfying and comfortable life... with the man being equally supportive of the wife's career.

If only I had not known some women in their mid-30s conceiving and giving birth to a perfectly healthy baby,  I would have given it a contemplation right away. Taking off the cap...had started flashing a thousand social obligations.

I don't have a non-constructive approach towards the institution of marriage and its blessings. Just that I am a little baffled over a few things.

-Would I be able to enjoy as much liberty as I have at my parents' place today?

-Would there be an equal division of work ---? I mean, the man also contributes to doing the household chores. Not that we don't have maids... but they don't make it a home. Do they?

-Do I have to 'compromise' on anything - something that I didn't do all these years.

-Would I be able to keep my name as it is - not changing my last name or adding a new one? Well, this one's pretty tricky.

In pointing out my opinion on marriage, please understand that I don't just uphold the pros for late marriages. I believe that a little late marriage can give you that extra time to financially settle down - giving way to your personal and career growth.

'February' being the most romantic month of the year, can be quite a dry month for some singletons like me... since we all have that Bollywood streak in us - pining for Mr. Right... and, we shall never quit.

As for marriage, it will happen when it has to - no age in particular, just that there should be strong emotional and mental compatibility. And, if the cupid's arrow strikes you hard, no age would be too early or late to marry your soul mate.

Maybe, I should plan a tour to Pishi's place this summer. 

Anyway, have a lovely Valentine's Day this Sunday. Please don't get threatened by the anti-Valentine activists.

Published on ibnlive.com 

Saturday , February 13, 2010